A Fat Kid Freaks Out On A RollerCoaster Ride(funny)

Watch as Aunt Janice cackles in the face of a terrified and extremely tubby young blimp. Listen to his shrieks of terror as his fat ass squirms like a snake.

Hold Them Accountable

I challenge everyone who cares to voice their displeasure with the Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board for their idiotic decision to not award a slots license to the only vendor willing to keep NHL hockey in Pittsburgh.

Here is their e-mail address:

Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board

Express your opinion. These same panel members stood and had the gaul to give themselves a standing ovation for their hard work and decisions.

I am so disgusted I could puke. I wish some board members were near as I would throw up on them.

Shame on you. You are an embarrassment and disgrace to the state of Pennsylvania. Chairman Decker, resign your post.

KK Shines at Holiday Shindig

Wow! Our company Christmas party was a blast. Held in Apopka, Fl at the Captain and the Cowboy, a good time was had by all.

Drunk Santa aka my boss who shall remain nameless here in cyberspace needed some help so I stepped in to emcee the entire event, for the most part. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm perfectly happy to do shit like this so it was no big deal.

So, I busted balls, cracked the entire crowd up, hammered my boss and a few select others and got solid props for making people laugh, which again, I love to do.

It was a lot of fun. Wah, wah, wah, wahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pictured are (Left - KK, Santa and Jonathan Stone - Right). Hope to see everyone again next year. Same place, same time and hopefully, same atmosphere.

Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night.

Dumbass Littlefield Strikes Again

Another set of MLB winter meetings have come and gone and what do the pathetic, downtrodden and flat out sickening Pirates have to show for it?

A small amount of cash acquired in exchange for a rule 5 pick and the re-signing of a lefthanded reliever. While the Marte deal was good, GM Dave Littlefield failed again to acquire the lefthanded power bat the Buccos so desperately need.

It is so easy to lose interest in this team any more.....it really is.

Here is a great little nugget from an ESPN article:

Also, oddly enough, I saw another general manager at McDonald's: Pirates GM Dave Littlefield. He said Pittsburgh's ownership budgeted him only 20 bucks of expenses for the entire trip, so it's 99-cent McNuggets for breakfast, lunch and dinner all week. Poor guy. Although I suppose he's lucky he's even at the winter meetings. I'm surprised the league still bothers inviting the Pirates.

Philly Sucks, But the Cheese Steaks are Good

I went to Philly/Sicklerville, NJ this past weekend to visit my little brother Khris and take in a hockey game. We watched happily as the Penguins beat the piss out of the hapless Flyers. The crowd was not as bad as expected, but as usual, Philly fans showed their asses early and often. The whole area (Jersey included) is filled with millions of miserable, mean and frustrated fans.

I had the privilege of getting a cheese steak from the owner of renowned Geno's Steak's, Joey Vento (pictured, left). I told him I wholeheartedly agreed with the stand he recently took on speaking English.

"The brash owner of Geno's Steaks has sparked new controversy after two weeks of nearly nonstop national attention for signs posted near his take-out window that declare: "This is AMERICA. WHEN ORDERING, 'SPEAK ENGLISH.' "
--Philadelphia Inquirer

To read more, click here.

I hope my next visit includes a trip to Geno's...............

p.s. Vento appreciated my support and gave me a pen......gotta love that.

Same Shit, Different Name

Old Najeh Davenport, fresh off a 70+ yard week and a touchdown for the Steelers in an impressive win over the Chiefs, landed himself a new nickname.

Word out of the Burgh is that Davenport will now be known as 'The Dump Truck.'

What's so funny about that you ask? Read below:

MIAMI — A woman is suing Green Bay Packers fullback Najeh Davenport. She says he invaded her privacy by breaking into her dorm room and defecating in her closet.

Mary McCarthy sued yesterday in a state court in Miami.

Criminal charges were settled in October 2002 when Davenport agreed to perform community service. He denied breaking into the Barry University dormitory.

Police say they were told that Davenport entered a dorm room at the small Catholic university in suburban Miami in the early morning hours of April 1.

Mary McCarthy says she was asleep in the room. She told police she was startled awake by a strange sound and saw a man squatting in her closet. Police said the man, later identified as Davenport, had defecated in her laundry basket.

So take a ride on the Dump Truck and watch your laundry baskets!

Blimp Benedict Arnold Surfaces in Fla.

Be very, very wary of the lard in this picture and what you tell him. He is an extremely lousy person who will get you at the drop of a hat. He can be found near the beach and is usually grumbling about food and money. The 'Pig' as he is known should not be counted on to keep his yap silent and must be kept out of any loop. If not, you'll hang yourself by that rope. In other news, the said 'Pig' will also try to eat the rope. BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Check out that combover.

Old Joe Pap Had The Shits

The poor old coot was turding his britches left and right during Saturday's showdown with the highly-overrated Ohio State Buckeyes. That said, the Bucks won me some $$$ after returning two INT's for touchdowns. So Hang on Sloopy yourself. For those interested, JoePa did not put on an extra 50 pounds. I played the senile bat at last year's AOL Halloween party.

Fat John Henry Comes to Florida

Yes my friends, the lards are reunited. Through some lobbying by KK and a stellar work record, John 'Pig' Henry is now onboard at XOS Technologies. A round of applause (and some hot dogs) please.

The manatee started last week and stayed with me the first few days. He was his usual lazy slob self and left the place worse than when he arrived. Pillows tossed around, blankets, lint in the laundry filter and such. I think he forgot that he was not the dictator as he was when I lived with him in Hell for a month in Ohio (Yes, it was that bad). But I handled the heffer with humble class.

Oh well, you can't teach a pig to be clean and this super swine ain't changing anytime soon.

However, Biskit and I are glad to have him in Florida and wish him well.

Rough Night in Jacksonville

What a boring game. That said, it was fun for the most part. It's obvious Big Ben was rusty, but it was still great to see him out there.

The Steelers will bounce back this week against a banged up Bengals squad.

Speaking of banged up, I was feeling fine at the game and the crowd was fun. I met a Jaguars fan and we had fun going back and forth.

I only had to let one guy know he was an asshole so that's not too bad. I'd definitely go to Jacksonville again, hopefully not to see a shutout.

Steelers vs. Jaguars: KK Live on Monday Night Football

Look for me. I'll be on the 50, 5 rows back. I'm gonna wear my Roethlisberger jersey and a cat in the hat style Steelers hat.

The return of Big Ben in Alltel Stadium and my first game since Super Bowl XL. I took Tuesday off so look out.

Here We Go Steelers Here We Go!

KK B'Day in FLA

Not much going on today as I turn 33 here in sunny Florida. Of course, today being my birthday is overcast and nasty looking but it's a work day anyway so no biggie. No plans for the night, but I'll hit it hard on Friday.

Gonna go to Giuseppe's Steel City Pizza in Port Orange Friday night to watch the Steelers take on the Eagles. Giuseppe's is a cool place and the owner is from western Pennsylvania. It's got a lot of flavor, and the food ain't bad either. I definitely recommend it to any Floridians.

All else is well as we inch closer to football season. Of course, it's almost September and the Pirates still haven't even won 50 games. Who cares? It's not even worth discussing.

Here's a picture of Biskit. She turned 3 months old August 20. She's a lot of fun, but potty training is still underway. I'd set progress at about 88%. That's all for now.

Biskit the Dog Comes to Florida

Been a long time since my last blog entry, but we're back. And yes there is a we. Biskit the baby Apricot/Fawn Pug came into my life yesterday. I got her from a wonderful breeder in Dunellon, Fla., Mrs. Pat Japart. Biskit was born May 20, 2006.

You can see her web site here.

She was given a clean bill of health today after a veterinary appointment here in New Smyrna Beach. Everyone loves her and she is adorable, despite numerous shits and squirts about the house.

Life is great so far after almost one month in the Sunshine State. I just moved into my new apartment (2 bedrooms, 1000 sq. ft) on Saturday. See it here.

NOTE: Click communities, then Lyme Stone Ranch.

Some amenities:
Sun drenched pool
Heated Spa
24-hour fitness center
Business center
Laundry care center
Car care center

Biskit and I live 5 miles from the Atlantic Ocean so we're beach bums. That rules! That's all for now, but rest assured we'll be back. We're a mile off I-95 so stop and visit.

Iratefans Make the Paper; Combat Counterfeiters

So, we're big now. Read this:
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/06179/701647-63.stm

But, as is the case with any good idea, thieves rush in:

Bogus Iratefans.com Shirts Surface
PRESS RELEASE: June 29, 2006
CONTACT: Kraig A. Koelsch
KraigK36@gmail.com
(704) 608-9117

Imitated, but Never Duplicated

Various reports are surfacing from Pittsburgh that area opportunist vendors are trying to cash in on the iratefans.com brand. "It's not a bit surprising. When people see a good thing, they all want a part of it," said iratefans co-founder Kraig Koelsch.

The bogus shirts say Irate Fan, rather than the plural fans. One loyal iratefans supporter discussed the shirt with the vendor who quickly moved on. Also, the P on the shirt's front has fallen to halfway between IRATE and FAN, but is still upright and lacks the "tracer marks" of a genuine iratefans t-shirt. The skull with the crossbones has baseball stitching, but lacks the lower jaw. The upper bones are shadowed against baseball bats.

"True fans that became aware of who we are and what we stand for won't fall for this weak imitation. Thanks for the flattery, but there's a big difference between driving a Mercedes and bouncing in a Mitsubishi," he added. To ensure you have an official shirt, make sure you get it from the iratefans e-bay store.
http://stores.ebay.com/iratefans

-30-

Breaking News From the Breadline: KK Gets Job!

Yes, it's true. Team KK saved himself from the storied and popular breadline. I've accepted a new position as ESPN Project Manager at XOS Technologies, Inc. in 'Fred G.' Sanford, Florida. I'm really excited to start a new career path and XOS is just beginning to blow up. I think it's a great fit for both myself and the company. My first day is July 17 and I'll be in corporate housing for the first month so I have no address as of yet. My phone number remains the same if you need to reach me. Here is the product I'll manage. And now, the former breadline countdown has changed to the goldmine countdown.

Iratefans Gaining Steam

Well, we've reached some serious eyes and ears and now have a few new editions to our cause. I submitted our plight to Deadspin and they loved it. Also, Baseball Prospectus was kind enough to make reference to our McClatchy Line term, which, for those who don't know, means .a .500 record in Major League Baseball.

And today, I appeared on AOL's Sports Bloggers Live to trumpet iratefans.com. The report will be online and available at 5 p.m. June 15 at the above link. Ironically, I was sandwiched in a three-guest lineup that included #1 Drew Carey, #2 KK and #3 Lucas Black, Star of Fast & Furious and QB in Friday Night Lights.

Those mentions, along with our appearence on WPXI-TV Channel 11 and the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette mean our cause is at least a valid one that people have interest in. And that is our goal. Expose these bums and get some change.

Keep it going gentlemen. Visit Iratefans.com!

Iratefans Unite!

The first gathering of Iratefans gathered Saturday to watch the Pirates take on the Padres. We survived a nasty lightning storm and saw the Bucs beat the Padres 6-4.

The group consisted of about 12 fans (a few didn't come into the game).

The minute we put our shirts on, the looks started. We were hanging out on the street at Firewaters North Shore Saloon & BBQ. We actually had a few people walk up to us and buy shirts, even though none were technically for sale.

Everyone who commented loved the idea. The owner of Firewaters, Jeffrey Joyce, was very receptive to our cause and welcomed our group. Jeff also offered a room for our next get together and some food at a good price. Thus, Firewaters is now the official bar of the Iratefans.

As we waited for WPXI to film us, everyone got a chance to meet each other. Many were acquainted via OnlyBucs.net, but had never met in person.

As soon as WPXI came, we got even more looks and smiles as we were being filmed. As I entered the stadium, numerous double takes and comments were often heard.

In a nutshell, the cause is off and running and the news on the street is very good.

So get your shirt now and join the cause. We'll be planning Game no. 2 very soon.

-Kraig A. Koelsch

Congrats to my Brother Khris

Congrats are in order for my kid brother Khris. Here is the story:

Sharp first grade teacher Barbara Phillips and Middle School special education teacher Kris Koelsch, pictured here with Superintendent of Schools James Bathurst were honored as teachers of the year for 2005-2006 at Collingswood Public Schools in New Jersey.

A funny note, the nice copy editor didn't even bother to spell the kid's name right. It's Khris you dumbass! Oh well, major props for what he goes through every day. How bout that picture? They need to learn the term Photoshop. Perhaps Khris's pal Doug 'Fat Ass, Smashmouth, Dr. Teeth' Graham could give them an assist there. However, I believe he ate his copy of Photoshop.

Anyway, Bravo Khris. I owe you a beer. Get it soon though, the breadline cometh: 27 work days!

Do a Dance of Joy

OK, so I've never been good at math, but the breadline calculation has been incorrect. What's that all mean? Tell 'em Johnny........

That's right, KK and crew get to pound salt for 4 more worthless days in their extremely deadended job. Yes, that's right, the count is back up to 32 days til the line of pigs, scum, filth and bums.

I'll have extra cheese if anyone needs some. Just let me know.

Now, who knows where I can find some cheap beer post June 30? Bud Light preferred.

I'm Just Poundin' Salt in a Dead-Ender

Oh I'm just pounding salt in a dead-ender, a dead-ender, a dead-ender.

I'm just pounding salt in a dead-ender, a dead-ender today.

A dead-ender to stay.

Catchy little stupid ass tune isn't it? Well, 30 days til the breadline for us and the weather sucks, my back hurts and I have a cold. Only one thing left to do then this weekend, get drunk. Moving out of my apartment next weekend so I have to finish packing this weekend as well. That is always such a joy. Oh well, I will soon be amongst the masses of filth collecting unemployment and waking up at noon every day. Anyone know where you can golf cheap? And finally, kudos to Joe White, newest member of our softball team. Not known for his defensive prowess, Big Joe actually brought the wrong glove into the field. Maybe that's why two balls sailed by him with not so much as a wave. But, he does have a big bat. Joe, our new EH.

Breadline Countdown = 36 Work Days

Oh the joy of pounding salt in a deadend job. So I figured it was time to update my blog. People working from home, people with a sick dog, I keep eating and drinking like a hog. The breadline is coming, coming very fast, I sure wish the workload I have now would last. Oh well, we move along anyway.

KK Survives Drunk Dave Weekend Scare

Well, the whirlwind known as Drunk Dave came and went, but naturally, not without incident. Drunk Dave, Mike Boyers and myself went to Coach's to watch the NFL Draft. The Steelers had a great draft and an even better first round trade landed us Santonio Holmes, the best WR in the draft.

It was all smooth sailing from there, until Drunk Dave started doing shots. He was constantly bitching about the Columbus smoking ban and had to go out to the smoker's porch. While there, he got into numerous spats with guys 10+ years younger than him. In the end, Mike and I had to get him outta there and he was almost jumped by 5 guys staring him down as he stumbled across the parking lot. We finished the draft at BW3 and then went home. Drunk Dave 'blacked out' at this point and naturally remembers nothing. His famous motto of "If you don't remember, it didn't happen" comes into play here. He was loud, obnoxious, foul and a little destructive at my house, but Amy (his girlfriend) and myself refused to go out with him. So, he drank all my beer and eventually passed out around 4 a.m. And this ends another story in the 37-year-old life of Drunk Dave.

Break it on Down!

Softball starts Tuesday and we have practice tonight. Boy am I out of shape. Thank God I am a gifted hitter. :-)

Drunk Dave countdown = 1 day.
Breadline countdown = 41 work days.

Drunk Dave is an old ass bitch for those who have not had the privilege of meeting him.

Is that him dancing?

At least tomorrow is pay day.

LOOK OUT: Drunk Dave Headed to Columbus

Look out Dublin, look out Columbus. The infamous Drunk Dave is headed to town.

The drunk and gal pal Amy 'Heh Heh Heh' Hentgen will be arrving late Friday night to my crib. Saturday is NFL Draft day so it will be a booze bash to remember. I am frightened already.

We, however, won't have any of "the least you could do is buy us dinner bullshit." That act was pulled before and is very tiresome. That said, I still love Drunk Dave (in a non-faggot way---per Bubba The Love Sponge) and look forward to the visit. Plus, the Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers will be getting a top player to further their charge.

YES!!!!!

Meet the Beetlejuice Family

OK, you gotta love the Stern Fan Network. Great web site for diehard Howard Stern fans like myself. (my handle is TubeBar)

Where else could you find a link to such a wonderful video in which you meet Beet's mother and sister Erika?

Everyone loves Beetlejuice. His official Web site can be found here.

Again, here is the video.

Finally: Cindy Margolis MILF Exposed

Some have said she's too old, BS I say. I look forward to seeing even more of her beauty. She's had three kids for God's sake. You go girl.

From AP article
Cindy Margolis, known as the "Most Downloaded Woman" on the Internet, is following up her win on "Celebrity Cooking Showdown" with a career first — posing nude for Playboy.The mother of three told The Associated Press that she finally agreed to pose for the magazine when they called on her 40th birthday.

Now That's a Buckeye I Like

Finally, after almost two years, I met a Buckeyes fan in Columbus that I like. And I mean really like. You gotta check out this video. This chick is smokin'. Now I need to go downtown and find her.

Here is the link again to make sure you FOUND IT.

The Salt Mine Saga Continues

The countdown is ticking and the salt is still being pounded by the grunts here at work. We have 46 days til we hit the breadline. I'm pretty bored, but am still doing my job and all that is required. That said, I'm glad the end is near. A fresh start is always good. After all, nobody likes pounding salt in a deadend job. Where the hell is Drunk Dave? Probably getting all boozed up. The lush says he's coming for a visit on NFL Draft weekend, but I won't hold my breath. Plus, it's expensive when he comes as my paying the tab is the "least I can do."

We Brought Home a Winner!

Went to the Pirates vs. Cubs game Saturday night and saw a solid performance. Yes, the shitful Pirates pitching (Zach Duke) finally stepped up in a 2-1 win. My brother (Khris, pictured left) and sister-in-law Stephanie joined me, as well as my friend Frank and a bunch of Khris's buddies. His pal Doug, aka Smashmouth, has more pics posted on his blog. Click on the April 17 entry. After the game, we got torn apart at the Polish Club and I slept til 1 p.m. Got up for an hour and had to nap as someone got too busted up. Sad. Well, I'm on the wagon...for now.

Home Opener Hell

Another year, another game, another shitty loss. The campaign 'We Will' basically is a real joke. We will lose again and again. It was a nice day, 66 degrees and I had a good time for the most part, but I can't stand this crap any more. This team is an utter embarassment.

My favorite quote came from Michael Keaton, who threw out the first pitch.

"I fear they will take advantage of the good will of the people who continue to show up," Keaton said of the Pirates. "For my money, that's disrespectful. At some point, you either have to write the check or do something and not assume, well, we're OK and, ultimately, the franchise is valuable, anyway, like Donald Sterling did with the Los Angeles Clippers."

I couldn't agree more. You go Batman!

Grizzly Sounds Off, 'Will You Sit on my Pizza?'

Enjoyed some Golden Tee Live the other day at J Linsey's with Beaker and LT and was treated to the rants of bar regular Bobby aka 'Bob Dylan' or 'Grizzly.' He's actually a very nice guy, but had a few in him as he pathetically hit on a pizza delivery girl. The young lady was asked to sit on his pizza on the next delivery and informed that marriage was like apples, as you never know when you might get a bad one.

Good times at an otherwise filthy place.

Just Poundin' Salt, Off to Charlotte

63 work days til the breadline and counting as I pound salt in my deadend job. The thanks I get for uprooting after 6 1/2 years in Charlotte to come to Columbus to work.

Thanks for everything.

Oh well, Team Koelsch will rebound just fine. Heading to Charlotte this weekend for Fat Buzza's wedding reception. The slob was married in Vegas, but is having a party for those who couldn't make it this weekend. In true Buzza style, the event doesn't take place until 3 p.m. on Sunday, as to accommodate his redneck friends from the Rock Hill trash bar The Long Branch.

Oh well. Drunk Dave will be a no show. Many other slobs will attend though so it should be fun.

March Madness: PITT Focus

What a tournament it's been. Yes, my PITT Panthers shit the bed and lost to Bradley, but they will be back. Head Coach Jamie Dixon signed a long contract extension through 2013 (which is huge) and they return 8 of 10 starters. A solid recurting class can be finalized if the Panthers can land 6-7 forward Tyler Smith.

Smith is a highly touted player out of Hargrave (Va.) Military Academy. Smith's finalists reportedly are Pitt, Memphis, Kentucky and Iowa.

Smith would join heralded recruit Gilbert Brown, a 6-foot-6 swingman from Harrisburg who played at South Kent (Ct.) Prep. Brown says he can't wait to arrive for summer sessions. He believes he can add some of the things he saw Pitt lacking in its NCAA Tournament loss to Bradley.

All that said, it's been a great tournament with some very exciting games. Props to George Mason, Wichita State and many others. Go Big East.

Golden Tee Live, J. Filthy's and Rot Gut

A little slow getting up this a.m. after an after-work get together at Columbus dive and cigarette pit J. Linsey's. It's actually a cool place, but the smoke sucks, even though it's illegal.

Oh well, the Bud Light was cold and fresh, made March 13. A definite advantage of living in Columbus, home to an Anheuser-Busch brewery, which I still haven't toured.

Played some Golden Tee Live, which is a money-making slut, but it's fun. Then mauled Chinese with LT, who developed rot gut and was close to shitting his pants.

Snow a Sham and a Virus Scam

Well, our 4-6 inches of forecasted snow turned into a scattered dusting, if you want to call it that. The first day of Spring in Dublin was chilly, but otherwise very uneventful. My laptop got a nasty virus last night and it is being worked on by our tech guys. They do a great job so hopefully, I'll have it back tonight. No idea how I got it or where it came from, but it was not good.

Looking forward to the NCAA tourney this weekend. Have tickets to the Blue Jackets game Friday night so that should be fun too. Hoops afterward.

68 days til the breadline for those keeping track.

Snow in Ohio and 24

Supposed to get 3-5 inches between tonight and Tuesday a.m. here in Dublin, Oh. Able to work at home if need be so that's good. I've got all I need so let it snow.

As for tonight, my favorite TV show, 24, is on. Elisha Cuthbert is back as Kim Bauer, daughter of super CTU agent Jack Bauer aka Kiefer Sutherland. She is so hot.

They have her dating some fag shrink on the show now. She needs to lose the douche real fast.

St. Patty's Day Massacre

Wow. I've been at it for three straight days and Saturday was recovery day. Hoops all day long. St. Patty's Day was a blast, but way too long.

I need to detox myself for a few days, but this March Madness stuff isn't helping.

PITT takes on Bradley in a bit for a berth in the Sweet 16. I like the Panthers' chance here and feel they legitimately have a shot to end up in Indianapolis for the Final 4.

One game at a time.

Super Bowl Guarantee

I bragged to my buddies that if the Steelers made it to the big game, that I'd go. This shouldn't really come as a surprise to anyone that knows me as I'm a diehard nutcase fan. But here nonetheless is proof. You see a drunken Kraig with three chins, but I'm still inside Ford Field for the big game.
You can see the XL logo on the field if you look close enough. It was on the 25-30 yd line. My seat was at about the 38-40 yd line, in club level section 332, row 4. AWESOME!

AND OH YEAH, WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!

Pirates off to quick start

Well it's certainly early, but I'm pleased with the progression of the young Buccos. 3-0 following wins over the Nats (2) and Manatee CC.

The young nucleus seems energized by new manager Jim Tracy. Fundamentals will be crucial to this lot. The previous regime never seemed to figure that out.

NFL Screws Itself

Well, talks have broken down and now the NFL's Labor holiday appears over after 13 years. Sad to see. Who knows how far they will fall.

To read more, click here.

Happy March

Been awhile since my last post. Lots going on, including my impending layoff. Just a little under a year and a half after relocating...this sucks. But, we press on.

Steelers Super Again!

Super Bowl XL Champions!

Here we go----welcome to the world of KK

Everyone else has a blog, so I might as well join in too. Here's to the first post!